A Dancing Fool is Thrice the Fool He Normally Is

There are places that I feel completely at ease. Self assured. Confident.

Behind a camera, for instance, or in front of a computer screen. In the woods, walking up a mountain. In a canoe, paddling downstream.

Then there are places where I feel the opposite. Less like a fish out of water and more like a fish in Jello…the difference being that a fish in Jello feels like he SHOULD know what to do, that he COULD swim through this water-ish mess if only he could figure out the correct methods. Poor fishy…he just doesn’t realize that there is nothing he can do, there just isn’t any way he can comprehend his situation. And so he continues flopping about uselessly on the dance floor…er…in the jello. Yes. The jello. Not the dance floor.

Okay, fine, yes, the dance floor. The modern style of dancing to rap music is the strawberry jello to my puzzled fish. It is completely beyond my abilities to comprehend, physically and mentally. Granted, I haven’t really tried all that hard…And I’ve only ever attempted the feat five, maybe six times in my life. (Four proms, one bar, one club, the club attempt being just this weekend)

Having once again failed spectacularly to do what would appear, at first glance, to be an easy task (stand there and sway back and forth to the “music”) I realized that I had to do something. After all, I find it likely that I’ll wind up on a dance floor a few more times in my life, and I like to at least APPEAR competent even if I’m not.

So I’ve given it some thought, and based on my previous experience I’ve come up with a battle plan to, if not impress on the dance floor, at least blend in. Some little white lies for little white guys, if you will. Feel free to take notes. This plan might work for you!

NUMERO UNO: Pat the Invisible Tall Guy on the Top of His Invisible Head

This is one of my favorite dance moves. You know the one I’m talking about…where everybody in the club suddenly raises one hand, palm down, and bounces that hand up and down slightly. The key here is to DO IT WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE DOES. Pay close attention to the music…usually it’s on some kind of beat or shouted lyric. (Ex. “What we gonna do to women? Objectify! Objectify!” What! What! Sweaty Balls!)

NUMERO DOS: Sniff Your Own Armpit

Similar in nature to NUMERO UNO, except for now both hands are raised, the eyes are closed, and the head is twisted around to one side or the other. This move has the advantage of not having to be used in conjunction with anyone else, as well as that it gives you something to do with your awkward hands.

NUMERO TRES: Make Em Laugh

Become the Comic Relief. If you are funny, start trying to make people laugh and stop trying to actually dance. If you are not naturally funny, and you are twenty one…then drink. Once you have become the comic relief, all the pressures of actually dancing well evaporate. SPECIAL TIP: Start out with cheesy dance moves like the Fishing Line or the Water Sprinkler, then feel free to add your own. Try the Sitting in Traffic, or the always amusing Getting Your Car Oil Changed…how about the classy Microwaving a Pot Pie…the sky is the limit. **NOTE** Hey Kids! Don’t Drink Unless You Are 21! Scruff McGruff will take a bite out of your face and send you straight to the emergency room for stitches and twenty rabies shots to the stomach!

NUMERO CUATRO: Minimize Your Impact

Go get drinks for other people. Escort people to the bar. Go get some fresh air. Engage a bouncer in a political discussion because you are “interested in people” All these things make you look like a nice guy and minimize your time to seriously mess up on the dance floor. KEY NOTE: Do not avoid the dance floor entirely. That defeats the purpose of going and worries the people who invited you. Instead, space out your “breaks” strategically.

NUMERO CINCO: Move Your Mouth More Than Your Body

Chances are you don’t know the words to whatever is playing. (I’m assuming this based on the fact that you have made it this far into this entry) Not a problem, my friend. The decibel level in any given club is level with the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport runway. Nobody can hear you anyway. Simply mouth along as best you can, or at the very least, mumble “watermelon, watermelon, rhutebegah, rhutebegah”. Take it from an old drama geek…it works.

NUMERO SEIS: Apologize Once…Then Do Your Thing.

It might be wise to admit your lack of dancing ability upfront to the group…ONCE. Then don’t mention it again. This covers your basis and lets people know what to expect if you blow numeros UNO through CINCO and pleasantly surprises people if you manage to get it right.

Well, that’s my plan. Remember, the goal is not to dance well. A fish, after all, can never swim through jello. But he might, with some sly tactics, manage to LOOK as if he COULD. And that might be just enough to win the girl/impress the date/ please the friends…or achieve whatever it is you’ve set out to do by dragging your flabby white butt out onto the dance floor.

Happy grooving!