Cute Baby, Ugly Baby...what's the difference? It Still Has Disturbingly Cute Toes.

I have baby blindness, apparently.

You know how some people are color blind and can’t tell the difference between red and green? I have a similar problem with other colors. I also have this problem with babies.

First, the colors. I have difficulty distinguishing between navy blue, charcoal, and black, as well as between some shades of green and brown. As practically every item of clothing I own is one of these colors, this little problem has been the endless frustration of nearly every woman I’ve ever dated, as well as my mother. Imagine a scenerio in which I’ve been asked to wear the green shirt with the brown pants, and out I emerge from my room in the BROWN shirt with the GREEN pants, and suddenly whomever I’m dating at the time thinks I’ve done this on purpose just to frustrate her. (Granted, this is a fair assumption. Something twisted in my personality enjoys intentionally misunderstanding my girlfriends. It’s almost like my way of flirting. Some people tickle. I pretend to think you meant THIS when you actually meant THAT. Lets face it folks. I’m a strange fella. My dad calls it “strategic incompetence” and it’s how he gets out of doing the laundry sometimes.)

Anyway, when people ask me what my favorite color is, I always say green AND brown, because, really, to me, they pretty much ARE the same color. At least certain tones of them are.

I have the same problem with babies. To most men and ALL women, babies can be divided into two categories. The first category, and by far the largest, is the “cute” babies. Lets face it, we are genetically programmed to think babies are cute. That’s because if a lion tries to eat one or an Emu tries to kick one or if anyone from a reality TV show tries to come within fifty feet of one, our genetic programming will kick in and we’ll drop everything to try and save it, even if it isn’t ours. So…cute babies is category number one.

Category number two is, naturally enough, ugly babies.

Most people will look at a baby and say “oh! That baby is so cute!” and they will genuinely mean it. Or they can look at a baby and say “oh! That baby is so cute!” and NOT genuinely mean it because what they really think is that that baby might as well have just stayed in the oven and baked a little while longer…cause that sucker ain't done.

So that is most people. I, on the other hand, am completely incapable of distinguishing ugly babies from cute babies. Not that I’m saying I can’t distinguish physical features. I’m perfectly capable of telling my friend Tracy’s baby from my friend Ashley’s baby. But what I couldn’t tell you is which of those two babies was cute or which was ugly. It’s the brown shirt/green pants dilemma all over again.

Fortunately, human nature provides me with a way out of this problem. Because while there is usually SOMEONE around who doesn’t mind telling me that I’ve managed to wear one black sock with one navy blue sock*, there isn’t anyone with the "huevos rancheros**" to correct me if I accidentally call an ugly baby cute. It’s just one of those little white lies that everybody tells to keep life running smoothly…the all too necessary grease between the cogs of human interaction. All I have to do is give all babies the benefit of the doubt and call them all “cute” and nobody ever calls me on it. After all, that’s what everybody does anyway, right? The only difference is, I actually mean it, cause I don’t know any better.

All this discussion of little white lies reminds me of the summer I decided I was going to stop telling them. Period. Just to see what happened. It was an adventure, maybe I’ll write about it soon. But for now, and until next time, my dear friends, my neighborly readers...adios.

--A--

FOOTNOTES

*I solved this problem by not bothering to match ANY of my socks, no matter the color, style, or degree of disinigration. I will frequently wear one navy blue dress sock with one short ankle white gym sock. If you swing that far along the sock matching pendulum, past mismatching and straight on into pure chaos, people just look the other way and pretend not to notice. Hey Kids! Want to really make people uncomfortable?! Walk into the Banana Republic with mismatched socks pulled all the way up under plastic flip flops and tell the attractive salesgirl that you like your style but you are looking for something a little less dignified. It's buckets of fun!

**A traditional Mexican brunch of of fried eggs, salsa, and refried beans served warm over a tortillia. What were you thinking? Geez.

WORD OF THE DAY

Ablation

Dictionaries Are Your Friends, Children!