Scream'n Eagle Oil Testosterone Landslide Yeah!

I was in Kroger* the other day, killing time and waiting to hang out with some friends I was meeting there. Suddenly it occurred to me that I had run out of soap that morning, so I wandered over to the soap and shampoo isle to engage in that most hallowed of masculine traditions: choosing a body wash based purely upon the overly testosteroned product names.


Does it disturb anyone else that if you were to compare Sports drinks with male bodywashes/deoderants purely by their names, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference?

Point in case: Mountain Rush--Something that Micheal Jordon drinks? Or something you rub under your armpits?

Avalanche Blast--Something to quench your thirst, or something you spray on yourself in a haze of cloying scent until nobody wants to be within ten feet of you...regardless of your pre torn, pre sweat stained backwards turned UGA baseball cap and tight pink polo shirt.

Glacial Rip--Something bright blue? Or something....bright....blue. Hmmmmm....

So now we find more similarities. Energy drinks and male deodorants/body washes/body sprays are both very often bright blue. Why is that, do you think? Curiouser and Curiouser.

Ladies, don't think you are off the hook. Thirty seconds in a Bath and Body works is enough to prove that female scent nomenclatures are just as silly.

Cucumber Melon? What? That scent smells NOTHING like a cucumber, OR a melon, just as much as "Glacial Rip" smells nothing like a glacial rip...whatever the heck that even is.

Which is actually fine with me...if I'm smooch'n** on a lady, I don't really want her to smell like a cucumber. Or a watermelon, come to think of it.

Anyway, I've gotten way off track here. I eventually chose "After Hours" mostly because I liked the smell, but also because it got me thinking. I'm sure the name "After Hours" was chosen to bring to mind all sorts of imagery like dark clubs and flashing lights and bumping and grinding and, eventually, careless and meaningless sex.

However, that isn't really what it called to mind to me, mostly because my "after hours" hours are nothing like that. So I got the body wash but made a mental note to take stock of myself next time I found myself in an "after hours" situation to see what I was like.

Two days later I was in Kroger again. I realized it was almost midnight...After Hours! I took stock of myself.



So this is me After Hours: Clad fabulously in a t-shirt that says, against all odds, "My baby got stole by a bear holding a shark"***. Unshaven, hair that looks as if I used it to mop a floor, holding a package of fig newtons in one hand and a discount mothers day cookie cake with the words "Shop-A-Holic" icing sprayed onto it in the other. Wearing a green bathing suit with white flowers. Sandals on my feet, over black socks that are mismatched.

One black sock had the Grinch on it.

The other, Christmas penguins.



Andrew: After Hours.



Please, ladies, please. There's only so much Andrew to go around.

--A--

FOOTNOTES:

*I've realized, with a certain amount of trepidation, that some of my more bizzare thinking occures in grocery stores. I think it must be because grocery shopping requires the perfect amount of concentration: not enough to demand my full attention but too much to allow for really important thinking. The result is...well, things like this.
**The way I phrased that makes it seem as if smooch'n is something that occurs on a regular basis in my life. I think you only have to look at my illustration to realize that this is not the case.
***My Baby Got Stole By a Bear Holding a Shark is my favorite T-shirt right now.