Today, in my usual fashion, I swished with mouthwash and spat into the sink, only to have a small stream of caustic alcohol bounce (in complete denial of physics) directly back up into my eye. I jerked backwards in surprise and pain and hit my head on the shelf right behind me.
This sort of thing happens to me a lot more often than one would think possible, which I take as continued proof that:
1) There is a God and
2) He has a sense of humor but
3) That sense of humor is kind of a nasty one, and not near as goofy as people like to think because
4) Although certain kinds of people like to point to things in the natural world like llamas and platypi and
5) …I find it much more accurate to point at things in the human condition such as
6) “the early stages of puberty”, which, as British comedian Eddie Izzard says, happens to be the time in a persons life where he/she cares most about attracting the opposite sex AND SIMULTANEOUSLY the time in a persons life where his/her body becomes as greasy, pimply, smelly, uncoordinated, awkward, and disgusting as it will ever be…and
7) “yogurt” which is basically bacteria cultures that we are EATING ALIVE ladies and gentlemen…and I want to know who came up with such a concept and why in the world people don’t storm yogurt production facilities across the country demanding an end to yogurt consumption, even if it does occasionally taste like blueberries and help with yeast infections (or so I’ve been told by several people who are, in fact, actual girls) …so in conclusion
8) It is my belief that the Good Lord’s sense of humor is much more caustic and sarcastic that goofy, and yes indeed, I have used the examples of puberty and yogurt to make my rather flimsy argument.
Tomorrow I’m going to write about hamburgers.
1 comment:
So basically, yogurt has convinced you that there is a god and it's name is Murphy?
The description is spot on.
Oh, and the physics on the spitting into the kitchen sink are simple to understand.
The sink is concave, your eye is convex, but most importantly you are forgetting to take into your calculations the proportion of painful liquid to the eye. The more painful the possible contact between a substance and your eye; the more likely the contact is to occur. For example: you can stare straight into a rainstorm and remark upon how little water enters your eye only to while telling the story over drinks with your buddy find that the lemon you are squeezing into a glass finds a way past gravity and your eyewear into your cornea. It's simple Murphy math, really. I don't even know why I'm explaining it to you.
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