How to Be Smooth

Young men. Attend my lessons.

1) Kiss'n in the Rain

Every woman secretly desires to be kissed totally and completely and randomly in the middle of a rain storm. True Fact. Unfortunately, this is a very hard situation to set up. Solution? Grocery store produce sections. I think you'll find they have extremely reliable rainstorms complete with thunder. So the next time you and your lady are walking through the grocery store, pull aside a friendly worker and get him to tell you when the next rainstorm is. Maneuver your woman down the produce section, and at the first peal of thunder, grab her face and stick it under the mist. Then, reward her with your sweet lov'n kisses. It can't fail!

2) Cheese is Good

I think we can all agree that the single most important thing you could ever do to impress a woman is to have a good Halloween costume. Now some guys (your standard college Bro) are going to go as vampires, boxers, or just drunken idiots (does this count as a costume? One wonders) Fellas! This is not how to win the eye of the ladies! You want something that women find irresistible. That's why this Halloween, ditch the tired old costumes and go as Cheesecake Man! Failing that, try dressing as a Really Good Deal on Shoes that I Can Wear Dressing Up or Dressing Down and Girl of Course You Can Borrow Them Sometime! It can't fail!

3) SHOUT IT OUT

NOTHING ATTRACTS WOMEN LIKE CONFIDENCE! NOTHING SAYS CONFIDENCE LIKE NEEDLESS SHOUTING! SHOUT IN ALL OCCASIONS AND YOU CAN'T GO WRONG! FUNERALS, HOSPITALS, LIBRARIES, OR WHEN MEETING HER FOLKS!

Of course, there are times to be subtle. Try whispering in intimate settings like boxing matches, rock concerts, and nascar events.

4) Nothing Says Hottie Like Somebody Likely to Crash His Car!

Women are attracted to guys who are dangerous and reckless. (Why? I have no clue. Sharpie Doodles sound off, why is this so? Go!) Anyway, chances are if you are reading this you are not, in fact, reckless and dangerous. No sweat! Clumsiness and laziness can, with a little hard work and some luck, easily be mistaken for recklessness and dangerousness. Helpful Hint: Get a motorcycle. Don't worry about learning how to drive it...what you are interested in is crashing it! Make sure to lay it down on the way to your wanna be lady's house one evening and then reap the rewards!

5) Nice Guys Finish First...In Their Dreams!

Every now and then there is a guy who actually sees women as more than "hot", a guy who goes out of his way to see women for who they really are, who is attracted to them for their intelligence, wit, and charm. A guy who was raised to treat women with respect, open doors for them, and so on.

DO NOT BE THIS GUY.

This guy is not the guy to be. This guy gets ignored.

Instead, treat women as objects*! Chat them up uncomfortably in bars and clubs. Date them for a few weeks and then push them to cross physical lines! Cheat on them! Be jealous! Be controlling! Then, break up with them.

Sure, they will go crying to their girlfriends and regret the day they ever met you. But will they REALLY regret it? Not really, because next time they will date somebody just like you! Huzzah!

With these five simple steps, you too can be as smooth as...something...really smooth.

--A--

FOOTNOTES-*Somebody out there is bound to not really get this. Satire, folks, satire! Guys...don't treat women like objects. Women...don't complain about getting treated like objects and then go around hiding your intelligence behind booze.

P.S. I'm back, by the way. Sorry for the long absence. It's been a not so great couple of weeks. So it goes.