Interesting Fact: The sushi guy at publix knows my face and tells me I have a cool hat every time I see him. When I don't wear my hat, he asks me why I'm not wearing it.
Conclusion: This probably means I've been eating to much sushi lately. Also, that sushi guy is cool!
Interesting Fact: Black people and Asian people compliment my hat at least once a week. White people don't seem to care one way or the other.
Conclusion: Black people and Asian people are much cooler than white people. Myself excluded, of course.
Interesting Fact: Kelley Davenport is the only white person to ever directly compliment my hat.
Conclusion: Kelley Davenport is actually a black man or an Asian man.
Interesting Fact: My white family does not like my hat very much
Conclusion: I'm adopted.
Interesting Fact: I've now had that hat longer than I've ever had any pair of shoes, rented apartment or house, car, or girlfriend.
Conclusion: It's a good hat.
Take it where you can find it, that's my motto. A good hat will get you a long way in life. Keep the sun out of your eyes, keep the rain off your head, and get you compliments from people on the street in Atlanta.
"Cool hat, my brutha!"
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
How to Be Smooth
Young men. Attend my lessons.
1) Kiss'n in the Rain
Every woman secretly desires to be kissed totally and completely and randomly in the middle of a rain storm. True Fact. Unfortunately, this is a very hard situation to set up. Solution? Grocery store produce sections. I think you'll find they have extremely reliable rainstorms complete with thunder. So the next time you and your lady are walking through the grocery store, pull aside a friendly worker and get him to tell you when the next rainstorm is. Maneuver your woman down the produce section, and at the first peal of thunder, grab her face and stick it under the mist. Then, reward her with your sweet lov'n kisses. It can't fail!
2) Cheese is Good
I think we can all agree that the single most important thing you could ever do to impress a woman is to have a good Halloween costume. Now some guys (your standard college Bro) are going to go as vampires, boxers, or just drunken idiots (does this count as a costume? One wonders) Fellas! This is not how to win the eye of the ladies! You want something that women find irresistible. That's why this Halloween, ditch the tired old costumes and go as Cheesecake Man! Failing that, try dressing as a Really Good Deal on Shoes that I Can Wear Dressing Up or Dressing Down and Girl of Course You Can Borrow Them Sometime! It can't fail!
3) SHOUT IT OUT
NOTHING ATTRACTS WOMEN LIKE CONFIDENCE! NOTHING SAYS CONFIDENCE LIKE NEEDLESS SHOUTING! SHOUT IN ALL OCCASIONS AND YOU CAN'T GO WRONG! FUNERALS, HOSPITALS, LIBRARIES, OR WHEN MEETING HER FOLKS!
Of course, there are times to be subtle. Try whispering in intimate settings like boxing matches, rock concerts, and nascar events.
4) Nothing Says Hottie Like Somebody Likely to Crash His Car!
Women are attracted to guys who are dangerous and reckless. (Why? I have no clue. Sharpie Doodles sound off, why is this so? Go!) Anyway, chances are if you are reading this you are not, in fact, reckless and dangerous. No sweat! Clumsiness and laziness can, with a little hard work and some luck, easily be mistaken for recklessness and dangerousness. Helpful Hint: Get a motorcycle. Don't worry about learning how to drive it...what you are interested in is crashing it! Make sure to lay it down on the way to your wanna be lady's house one evening and then reap the rewards!
5) Nice Guys Finish First...In Their Dreams!
Every now and then there is a guy who actually sees women as more than "hot", a guy who goes out of his way to see women for who they really are, who is attracted to them for their intelligence, wit, and charm. A guy who was raised to treat women with respect, open doors for them, and so on.
DO NOT BE THIS GUY.
This guy is not the guy to be. This guy gets ignored.
Instead, treat women as objects*! Chat them up uncomfortably in bars and clubs. Date them for a few weeks and then push them to cross physical lines! Cheat on them! Be jealous! Be controlling! Then, break up with them.
Sure, they will go crying to their girlfriends and regret the day they ever met you. But will they REALLY regret it? Not really, because next time they will date somebody just like you! Huzzah!
With these five simple steps, you too can be as smooth as...something...really smooth.
--A--
FOOTNOTES-*Somebody out there is bound to not really get this. Satire, folks, satire! Guys...don't treat women like objects. Women...don't complain about getting treated like objects and then go around hiding your intelligence behind booze.
P.S. I'm back, by the way. Sorry for the long absence. It's been a not so great couple of weeks. So it goes.
1) Kiss'n in the Rain
Every woman secretly desires to be kissed totally and completely and randomly in the middle of a rain storm. True Fact. Unfortunately, this is a very hard situation to set up. Solution? Grocery store produce sections. I think you'll find they have extremely reliable rainstorms complete with thunder. So the next time you and your lady are walking through the grocery store, pull aside a friendly worker and get him to tell you when the next rainstorm is. Maneuver your woman down the produce section, and at the first peal of thunder, grab her face and stick it under the mist. Then, reward her with your sweet lov'n kisses. It can't fail!
2) Cheese is Good
I think we can all agree that the single most important thing you could ever do to impress a woman is to have a good Halloween costume. Now some guys (your standard college Bro) are going to go as vampires, boxers, or just drunken idiots (does this count as a costume? One wonders) Fellas! This is not how to win the eye of the ladies! You want something that women find irresistible. That's why this Halloween, ditch the tired old costumes and go as Cheesecake Man! Failing that, try dressing as a Really Good Deal on Shoes that I Can Wear Dressing Up or Dressing Down and Girl of Course You Can Borrow Them Sometime! It can't fail!
3) SHOUT IT OUT
NOTHING ATTRACTS WOMEN LIKE CONFIDENCE! NOTHING SAYS CONFIDENCE LIKE NEEDLESS SHOUTING! SHOUT IN ALL OCCASIONS AND YOU CAN'T GO WRONG! FUNERALS, HOSPITALS, LIBRARIES, OR WHEN MEETING HER FOLKS!
Of course, there are times to be subtle. Try whispering in intimate settings like boxing matches, rock concerts, and nascar events.
4) Nothing Says Hottie Like Somebody Likely to Crash His Car!
Women are attracted to guys who are dangerous and reckless. (Why? I have no clue. Sharpie Doodles sound off, why is this so? Go!) Anyway, chances are if you are reading this you are not, in fact, reckless and dangerous. No sweat! Clumsiness and laziness can, with a little hard work and some luck, easily be mistaken for recklessness and dangerousness. Helpful Hint: Get a motorcycle. Don't worry about learning how to drive it...what you are interested in is crashing it! Make sure to lay it down on the way to your wanna be lady's house one evening and then reap the rewards!
5) Nice Guys Finish First...In Their Dreams!
Every now and then there is a guy who actually sees women as more than "hot", a guy who goes out of his way to see women for who they really are, who is attracted to them for their intelligence, wit, and charm. A guy who was raised to treat women with respect, open doors for them, and so on.
DO NOT BE THIS GUY.
This guy is not the guy to be. This guy gets ignored.
Instead, treat women as objects*! Chat them up uncomfortably in bars and clubs. Date them for a few weeks and then push them to cross physical lines! Cheat on them! Be jealous! Be controlling! Then, break up with them.
Sure, they will go crying to their girlfriends and regret the day they ever met you. But will they REALLY regret it? Not really, because next time they will date somebody just like you! Huzzah!
With these five simple steps, you too can be as smooth as...something...really smooth.
--A--
FOOTNOTES-*Somebody out there is bound to not really get this. Satire, folks, satire! Guys...don't treat women like objects. Women...don't complain about getting treated like objects and then go around hiding your intelligence behind booze.
P.S. I'm back, by the way. Sorry for the long absence. It's been a not so great couple of weeks. So it goes.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Cookouts
Sometimes it makes me sick that it was only after my family moved all the way across the continent that I realized how important it is to put them in front of everything but God. Oh how I rue all those misspent hours of the last four years...precious time home from school spent blowing off my family for things that never had a prayer of lasting. Learn the lessons well, children.
Spending holidays with friends and the four or five families that have "adopted" me is great, but sometimes it only makes me more homesick, if you can use that word to describe a place that you've only been to twice.
I'm stuck in that bizarre twenty something land where your house is just a place you go to sleep and (occasionally) eat. Home is different from house.
I suppose home is where your family is.
I guess that's why it's always around holidays that I start looking out to the horizon and daydreaming about saving up some money and just...taking a walk up to Maine.
Long weekends give me itchy feet.
But I've rolled my dice here in Newnan, happily and without regret. Holiday blues will pass away, my life has a purpose and I'm more blessed than most people in the sense that, for now at least, I know what that purpose is.
In the meantime, I have been blessed with more fantastic friends than any one (twentysomething) man deserves.
All that had nothing to do with Memorial day, but I found myself with a few moments and thought I would ruminate for a bit.
So anyway, happy memorial day folks. I've just returned from a day of grilling and eating and laughing, and now I'm off to spend an evening of the same.
--A--
Spending holidays with friends and the four or five families that have "adopted" me is great, but sometimes it only makes me more homesick, if you can use that word to describe a place that you've only been to twice.
I'm stuck in that bizarre twenty something land where your house is just a place you go to sleep and (occasionally) eat. Home is different from house.
I suppose home is where your family is.
I guess that's why it's always around holidays that I start looking out to the horizon and daydreaming about saving up some money and just...taking a walk up to Maine.
Long weekends give me itchy feet.
But I've rolled my dice here in Newnan, happily and without regret. Holiday blues will pass away, my life has a purpose and I'm more blessed than most people in the sense that, for now at least, I know what that purpose is.
In the meantime, I have been blessed with more fantastic friends than any one (twentysomething) man deserves.
All that had nothing to do with Memorial day, but I found myself with a few moments and thought I would ruminate for a bit.
So anyway, happy memorial day folks. I've just returned from a day of grilling and eating and laughing, and now I'm off to spend an evening of the same.
--A--
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Like, Totally, LOL
Like so yeah theres a new whats taht called again oh yeah lol a book theres a new book out called the dumbest gnearation.
Like its ab out how the digital culture has stinted my gnerations vocbulary and overall ability to function and a whole lot of other things like isnt that crazy lol rotfl jk jk hah hah
it talks a lot about how my geneartion communicates (or doesn't! lol) and how we dont even really know how to use words to get emotions across anymore isnt that dumb :-)
anyway here is the link i havent whats that word oh yeah read it yet but i plan on it as soon as it comes into that big place with all the books oh yeah library lol lol jk
im not an idiot just dumb enough not to realize im dumb lol
Link: http://www.amazon.com/Dumbest-Generation-Stupefies-Americans-Jeopardizes/dp/1585426393
Like its ab out how the digital culture has stinted my gnerations vocbulary and overall ability to function and a whole lot of other things like isnt that crazy lol rotfl jk jk hah hah
it talks a lot about how my geneartion communicates (or doesn't! lol) and how we dont even really know how to use words to get emotions across anymore isnt that dumb :-)
anyway here is the link i havent whats that word oh yeah read it yet but i plan on it as soon as it comes into that big place with all the books oh yeah library lol lol jk
im not an idiot just dumb enough not to realize im dumb lol
Link: http://www.amazon.com/Dumbest-Generation-Stupefies-Americans-Jeopardizes/dp/1585426393
A Letter to Samsung
Dear Samsung,
As a customer of Verizon, I have used your phones for several years now.
My first Samsung phone was a simple affair, light grey with a black and white screen. It was about the size of a small avacado. I dropped it into a puddle of water during a thunderstorm. I only noticed it had vanished a few hours later, and by the time I located it large vehicles had obviously run over it. It had, of course, also been marinating in a street puddle for three hours.
It was dead.
My second phone was slightly more advanced, with a flip up screen and, lo and behold, color! That phone served me well for several years until I dropped it into a bowl of boiling hot ramen noodles while helping my best friend through a difficult time in his life. He was in the middle of saying "I'm really glad you are here for me right no--" and that's when it slipped out of my hands and right into the Original Oriental flavor.
Possibly I could have saved it had I taken prompt action, but instead of immediatly removing the phone from the boiling liquid, I threw my hands up into the air and screamed, "Ahhhhh Tim! I dropped you in the Ramen!"
That phone was also dead.
After the Ramen incident I walked into Verizon and said "Give me the cheapest phone you have." They obliged and the model I left with is the very same phone that I left on the hood of my car this evening as I pulled out of the QuickTrip parking lot and onto a major highway.
A few hours later I began to look for my phone and could not find it. I went through a process no doubt familiar to many of your customers...using a friend's phone to call it, searching my house, my car, my driveway. Finally I retraced my steps, first to Eckards (where I had stopped to buy a razor and shaving cream) and then to QuickTrip, where I spied my phone laying in the intersection.
Oddly enough, this phone was not dead.
And this is the purpose of this letter, Samsung.
At first, things didn't look good. As I dodged traffic and approached the abandoned cellular, I noticed that there were several loose bits of plastic surrounding it, as well as some larger things that we'll just call "chunks" for the sake of easy identification.
In fact the phone looked as it had endured not only a fall from my Jeep's hood at fifteen miles an hour, but several close encounters with SUV's and perhaps at least one jacked up F-350. And possibly a dinosaur.
I draw this conclusion because that is precisely what I witnessed about ten seconds before I was able to snatch my phone out of the road. It was run over. In front of my very eyes. (By an SUV, not a dinosaur)
But, Samsung, you have made my day. The cheapest phone in the Verizon store survived it's ordeal and aside from looking as if a gorilla chewed on it for a few days, it actually works fine.
My theory is that it works fine precisely BECAUSE it was the cheapest phone in the Verizon store. My phone doesn't have a very good camera, an MP3 player, the ability to download things, I can't play games on it, etc. Less things to break means harder to break in my book.
And so it is that my ongoing poverty actually contributed to my happiness today. Had my crappy (I'm sure you will, in this instance, excuse the slight, Samsung) old phone been an I-phone like I wake up every day of my life and wish it was...then I would have had a pretty terrible end to a genuinely splendid day. And then I would have felt guilty about being upset about my cell phone of all things when I have so much to be happy about.
Thank you, Samsung, for keeping me grounded. Sure, I-phones will get the babes*. But can they survive being run over by every person who leaves quicktrip between 8:30 and 10:15 in Newnan on a Saturday night? I think not.
Your Loyal Customer,
Andrew Steven Marshall
Dabbler, Dilettante, Hobbiest, and User of Repetitious Words
FOOTNOTE: *The Editors would like to point out that there has never been a recorded instance of an I-phone helping anyone "get the babes." Nor has there ever been a recorded instance of wolves killing and eating a human being, but then again who would be left to record it, right? The views expressed in this blog are not the views of Apple, I-Phone, Google, Blogger, Samsung, Verizon, Viacom, Time-Warner, Universal Pictures, Five Guys Burgers, John McCain, Barack Obama, The Clintons, Douglas Adams, or Jean Valjean.
Thank you.
As a customer of Verizon, I have used your phones for several years now.
My first Samsung phone was a simple affair, light grey with a black and white screen. It was about the size of a small avacado. I dropped it into a puddle of water during a thunderstorm. I only noticed it had vanished a few hours later, and by the time I located it large vehicles had obviously run over it. It had, of course, also been marinating in a street puddle for three hours.
It was dead.
My second phone was slightly more advanced, with a flip up screen and, lo and behold, color! That phone served me well for several years until I dropped it into a bowl of boiling hot ramen noodles while helping my best friend through a difficult time in his life. He was in the middle of saying "I'm really glad you are here for me right no--" and that's when it slipped out of my hands and right into the Original Oriental flavor.
Possibly I could have saved it had I taken prompt action, but instead of immediatly removing the phone from the boiling liquid, I threw my hands up into the air and screamed, "Ahhhhh Tim! I dropped you in the Ramen!"
That phone was also dead.
After the Ramen incident I walked into Verizon and said "Give me the cheapest phone you have." They obliged and the model I left with is the very same phone that I left on the hood of my car this evening as I pulled out of the QuickTrip parking lot and onto a major highway.
A few hours later I began to look for my phone and could not find it. I went through a process no doubt familiar to many of your customers...using a friend's phone to call it, searching my house, my car, my driveway. Finally I retraced my steps, first to Eckards (where I had stopped to buy a razor and shaving cream) and then to QuickTrip, where I spied my phone laying in the intersection.
Oddly enough, this phone was not dead.
And this is the purpose of this letter, Samsung.
At first, things didn't look good. As I dodged traffic and approached the abandoned cellular, I noticed that there were several loose bits of plastic surrounding it, as well as some larger things that we'll just call "chunks" for the sake of easy identification.
In fact the phone looked as it had endured not only a fall from my Jeep's hood at fifteen miles an hour, but several close encounters with SUV's and perhaps at least one jacked up F-350. And possibly a dinosaur.
I draw this conclusion because that is precisely what I witnessed about ten seconds before I was able to snatch my phone out of the road. It was run over. In front of my very eyes. (By an SUV, not a dinosaur)
But, Samsung, you have made my day. The cheapest phone in the Verizon store survived it's ordeal and aside from looking as if a gorilla chewed on it for a few days, it actually works fine.
My theory is that it works fine precisely BECAUSE it was the cheapest phone in the Verizon store. My phone doesn't have a very good camera, an MP3 player, the ability to download things, I can't play games on it, etc. Less things to break means harder to break in my book.
And so it is that my ongoing poverty actually contributed to my happiness today. Had my crappy (I'm sure you will, in this instance, excuse the slight, Samsung) old phone been an I-phone like I wake up every day of my life and wish it was...then I would have had a pretty terrible end to a genuinely splendid day. And then I would have felt guilty about being upset about my cell phone of all things when I have so much to be happy about.
Thank you, Samsung, for keeping me grounded. Sure, I-phones will get the babes*. But can they survive being run over by every person who leaves quicktrip between 8:30 and 10:15 in Newnan on a Saturday night? I think not.
Your Loyal Customer,
Andrew Steven Marshall
Dabbler, Dilettante, Hobbiest, and User of Repetitious Words
FOOTNOTE: *The Editors would like to point out that there has never been a recorded instance of an I-phone helping anyone "get the babes." Nor has there ever been a recorded instance of wolves killing and eating a human being, but then again who would be left to record it, right? The views expressed in this blog are not the views of Apple, I-Phone, Google, Blogger, Samsung, Verizon, Viacom, Time-Warner, Universal Pictures, Five Guys Burgers, John McCain, Barack Obama, The Clintons, Douglas Adams, or Jean Valjean.
Thank you.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
It Ain't the Years, Honey. It's the Mileage.
The time is 12:19 A.M. In exactly twenty four hours, the trailers will be ending, and the opening credits of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will begin.
That is all.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Housekeeping
Some Housekeeping:
Thanks to everybody who sent me an e-mail or responded to the sound off post. There are at least twenty of you out there...so cool beans! Sharpie Doodles shall continue. Thanks for reading guys.
Congrats to my good friend Nick Ramey...now the official Web content editor thingy mcgummy something or the other for 11 alive news! Good job Nick, you deserved a break, my friend.
I've got a lot of other friends going through some hard times right now. Keep'n you all in my prayers guys. You know who you are.
This summer is shaping up to be quite interesting. I'm hoping to improve ten fold upon last summer. Last summer had it's moments, yes, I had some good times. High lights include finding Community Christian Church (changed my life), getting this laptop (which has turned out to be the most massively useful and versatile tool I've ever used, good graduation gift Mom and Dad!), living with the Coffman's, and starting in heavily on photography for the first time.
Low lights include the Jeep breaking down six times, living off a box of goldfish crackers and mooched dinners for two weeks, and coping with a serious dose of post college "what the crap am I doing with my life" depression.
What does this summer hold? Plenty of good times, to be sure. Maybe some great times. Undoubtedly some bad times, but nothing I can't handle. I'll probably stick my foot in my mouth on at least a dozen occasions. See some good movies. Hang out with old friends, make some new ones. Hear some good music, take some good pictures. Build a kayak, maybe, or a canoe. Mountain biking. Camping. Working. Sleeping. Making extensive use of the brand new library that just got built right down the street from me. Cookouts. Fires. Slip N Slides. Family. Savannah. Delightfully Awkward situations, conversations, and occasions.
It's gonna be good folks.
Stick around. Life's absurdities are never ending. How can someone ever run out of things to write about?
Thanks to everybody who sent me an e-mail or responded to the sound off post. There are at least twenty of you out there...so cool beans! Sharpie Doodles shall continue. Thanks for reading guys.
Congrats to my good friend Nick Ramey...now the official Web content editor thingy mcgummy something or the other for 11 alive news! Good job Nick, you deserved a break, my friend.
I've got a lot of other friends going through some hard times right now. Keep'n you all in my prayers guys. You know who you are.
This summer is shaping up to be quite interesting. I'm hoping to improve ten fold upon last summer. Last summer had it's moments, yes, I had some good times. High lights include finding Community Christian Church (changed my life), getting this laptop (which has turned out to be the most massively useful and versatile tool I've ever used, good graduation gift Mom and Dad!), living with the Coffman's, and starting in heavily on photography for the first time.
Low lights include the Jeep breaking down six times, living off a box of goldfish crackers and mooched dinners for two weeks, and coping with a serious dose of post college "what the crap am I doing with my life" depression.
What does this summer hold? Plenty of good times, to be sure. Maybe some great times. Undoubtedly some bad times, but nothing I can't handle. I'll probably stick my foot in my mouth on at least a dozen occasions. See some good movies. Hang out with old friends, make some new ones. Hear some good music, take some good pictures. Build a kayak, maybe, or a canoe. Mountain biking. Camping. Working. Sleeping. Making extensive use of the brand new library that just got built right down the street from me. Cookouts. Fires. Slip N Slides. Family. Savannah. Delightfully Awkward situations, conversations, and occasions.
It's gonna be good folks.
Stick around. Life's absurdities are never ending. How can someone ever run out of things to write about?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Nothing Quite so Comforting
Our country shouldn't become bi-lingual because we've ALWAYS spoken English in this country.
Oops!
--A--
Oops!--A--
Sound Off
Coming up on four months of Sharpie Doodles, folks.
Hard to believe, huh? Relationships have come and gone, somewhere there is a baby that was conceived at the exact minute I made my first post, and that baby is now halfway finished baking.
So I'm a little curious as to what the readership of Sharpie Doodles is. I know for a fact that Nick and Adam are still readers. I think that Bill and Kelley and Simon and maybe some of the Martins are, as well as perhaps Albright. But Kelley doesn't really count because he only reads the short ones, and those are few and far between. And I know that at least six people subscribe to to it via e-mail. (but don't worry, I don't know who)
Who else is out there? If you read this (even only occasionally) leave me a message and say howdy. I'd like to know who I'm talking to out there, if anyone at all. If you aren't comfortable leaving a public post, there is the option to make your comment private, or send me an e-mail at andrew.marshall.3@gmail.com
Also, if you are one of those "core" group of readers that I mentioned above, I'd love to get a message from you as well. Thanks for checking in on this every now and then. It's nice to be read.
Love to hear from you guys. Again, if there is anyone out there.
Not that I'm going to stop if it is only Nick and Adam. I'm having way to much fun vomiting my mind out into the interweb once or twice a week.
--A--
It's not often I make two posts in the same night. Don't forget to look below this for the night's first post.
Hard to believe, huh? Relationships have come and gone, somewhere there is a baby that was conceived at the exact minute I made my first post, and that baby is now halfway finished baking.
So I'm a little curious as to what the readership of Sharpie Doodles is. I know for a fact that Nick and Adam are still readers. I think that Bill and Kelley and Simon and maybe some of the Martins are, as well as perhaps Albright. But Kelley doesn't really count because he only reads the short ones, and those are few and far between. And I know that at least six people subscribe to to it via e-mail. (but don't worry, I don't know who)
Who else is out there? If you read this (even only occasionally) leave me a message and say howdy. I'd like to know who I'm talking to out there, if anyone at all. If you aren't comfortable leaving a public post, there is the option to make your comment private, or send me an e-mail at andrew.marshall.3@gmail.com
Also, if you are one of those "core" group of readers that I mentioned above, I'd love to get a message from you as well. Thanks for checking in on this every now and then. It's nice to be read.
Love to hear from you guys. Again, if there is anyone out there.
Not that I'm going to stop if it is only Nick and Adam. I'm having way to much fun vomiting my mind out into the interweb once or twice a week.
--A--
It's not often I make two posts in the same night. Don't forget to look below this for the night's first post.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Scream'n Eagle Oil Testosterone Landslide Yeah!
I was in Kroger* the other day, killing time and waiting to hang out with some friends I was meeting there. Suddenly it occurred to me that I had run out of soap that morning, so I wandered over to the soap and shampoo isle to engage in that most hallowed of masculine traditions: choosing a body wash based purely upon the overly testosteroned product names.
Does it disturb anyone else that if you were to compare Sports drinks with male bodywashes/deoderants purely by their names, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference?
Point in case: Mountain Rush--Something that Micheal Jordon drinks? Or something you rub under your armpits?
Avalanche Blast--Something to quench your thirst, or something you spray on yourself in a haze of cloying scent until nobody wants to be within ten feet of you...regardless of your pre torn, pre sweat stained backwards turned UGA baseball cap and tight pink polo shirt.
Glacial Rip--Something bright blue? Or something....bright....blue. Hmmmmm....
So now we find more similarities. Energy drinks and male deodorants/body washes/body sprays are both very often bright blue. Why is that, do you think? Curiouser and Curiouser.
Ladies, don't think you are off the hook. Thirty seconds in a Bath and Body works is enough to prove that female scent nomenclatures are just as silly.
Cucumber Melon? What? That scent smells NOTHING like a cucumber, OR a melon, just as much as "Glacial Rip" smells nothing like a glacial rip...whatever the heck that even is.
Which is actually fine with me...if I'm smooch'n** on a lady, I don't really want her to smell like a cucumber. Or a watermelon, come to think of it.
Anyway, I've gotten way off track here. I eventually chose "After Hours" mostly because I liked the smell, but also because it got me thinking. I'm sure the name "After Hours" was chosen to bring to mind all sorts of imagery like dark clubs and flashing lights and bumping and grinding and, eventually, careless and meaningless sex.
However, that isn't really what it called to mind to me, mostly because my "after hours" hours are nothing like that. So I got the body wash but made a mental note to take stock of myself next time I found myself in an "after hours" situation to see what I was like.
Two days later I was in Kroger again. I realized it was almost midnight...After Hours! I took stock of myself.
So this is me After Hours: Clad fabulously in a t-shirt that says, against all odds, "My baby got stole by a bear holding a shark"***. Unshaven, hair that looks as if I used it to mop a floor, holding a package of fig newtons in one hand and a discount mothers day cookie cake with the words "Shop-A-Holic" icing sprayed onto it in the other. Wearing a green bathing suit with white flowers. Sandals on my feet, over black socks that are mismatched.
One black sock had the Grinch on it.
The other, Christmas penguins.
Andrew: After Hours.
Please, ladies, please. There's only so much Andrew to go around.
--A--
FOOTNOTES:
*I've realized, with a certain amount of trepidation, that some of my more bizzare thinking occures in grocery stores. I think it must be because grocery shopping requires the perfect amount of concentration: not enough to demand my full attention but too much to allow for really important thinking. The result is...well, things like this.
**The way I phrased that makes it seem as if smooch'n is something that occurs on a regular basis in my life. I think you only have to look at my illustration to realize that this is not the case.
***My Baby Got Stole By a Bear Holding a Shark is my favorite T-shirt right now.
Does it disturb anyone else that if you were to compare Sports drinks with male bodywashes/deoderants purely by their names, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference?
Point in case: Mountain Rush--Something that Micheal Jordon drinks? Or something you rub under your armpits?
Avalanche Blast--Something to quench your thirst, or something you spray on yourself in a haze of cloying scent until nobody wants to be within ten feet of you...regardless of your pre torn, pre sweat stained backwards turned UGA baseball cap and tight pink polo shirt.
Glacial Rip--Something bright blue? Or something....bright....blue. Hmmmmm....
So now we find more similarities. Energy drinks and male deodorants/body washes/body sprays are both very often bright blue. Why is that, do you think? Curiouser and Curiouser.
Ladies, don't think you are off the hook. Thirty seconds in a Bath and Body works is enough to prove that female scent nomenclatures are just as silly.
Cucumber Melon? What? That scent smells NOTHING like a cucumber, OR a melon, just as much as "Glacial Rip" smells nothing like a glacial rip...whatever the heck that even is.
Which is actually fine with me...if I'm smooch'n** on a lady, I don't really want her to smell like a cucumber. Or a watermelon, come to think of it.
Anyway, I've gotten way off track here. I eventually chose "After Hours" mostly because I liked the smell, but also because it got me thinking. I'm sure the name "After Hours" was chosen to bring to mind all sorts of imagery like dark clubs and flashing lights and bumping and grinding and, eventually, careless and meaningless sex.
However, that isn't really what it called to mind to me, mostly because my "after hours" hours are nothing like that. So I got the body wash but made a mental note to take stock of myself next time I found myself in an "after hours" situation to see what I was like.
Two days later I was in Kroger again. I realized it was almost midnight...After Hours! I took stock of myself.
So this is me After Hours: Clad fabulously in a t-shirt that says, against all odds, "My baby got stole by a bear holding a shark"***. Unshaven, hair that looks as if I used it to mop a floor, holding a package of fig newtons in one hand and a discount mothers day cookie cake with the words "Shop-A-Holic" icing sprayed onto it in the other. Wearing a green bathing suit with white flowers. Sandals on my feet, over black socks that are mismatched.
One black sock had the Grinch on it.
The other, Christmas penguins.
Andrew: After Hours.
Please, ladies, please. There's only so much Andrew to go around.
--A--
FOOTNOTES:
*I've realized, with a certain amount of trepidation, that some of my more bizzare thinking occures in grocery stores. I think it must be because grocery shopping requires the perfect amount of concentration: not enough to demand my full attention but too much to allow for really important thinking. The result is...well, things like this.
**The way I phrased that makes it seem as if smooch'n is something that occurs on a regular basis in my life. I think you only have to look at my illustration to realize that this is not the case.
***My Baby Got Stole By a Bear Holding a Shark is my favorite T-shirt right now.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
One Last Way To Pander Votes
I've made phone calls.
I've used word of mouth.
I've made a facebook group.
I've sent e-mails.
This is my last remaining method of communication to get your vote. I'm just going to copy and past my shpeel into my blog, and I'll be done. If you already know about this, ignore it and move on. If this is news to you...go to the site and give me your honest opinion!
The Schpeel
I've used word of mouth.
I've made a facebook group.
I've sent e-mails.
This is my last remaining method of communication to get your vote. I'm just going to copy and past my shpeel into my blog, and I'll be done. If you already know about this, ignore it and move on. If this is news to you...go to the site and give me your honest opinion!
The Schpeel
Hey everybody! One of my photographs has been chosen for the "daily dozen" feature on the National Geographic Magazine website.
One of the magazine's photo editors chooses twelve photographs every day for display on the website. At the end of the month two of the featured photographs will be selected for publication in the magazine.
Which is a long way of saying this: I'm currently competing with 300 other photographers to have my photograph published in NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE.
Wickity What? Yeah.
To view and vote for my picture, do this. Follow this link to the national geographic magazine website.
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/
On the left hand side of the screen is a link to the "your shot" feature. Click on it to view the daily dozen. My photograph is in the May 7th grouping. It is a black and white photograph of fallen leaves, a spider web, and dewdrops.
Elsewhere on the site is a featured called "the voting machine" There you can vote for my photograph. I'm not sure if the voting affects if I am chosen for publication or not, but it can't hurt! Please only vote once, and you don't have to give me a ten, give me whatever you feel like I deserve in comparison to the other pictures. (There are some truly amazing photographs in there!) I'm not trying to rig this in any way, I just want all my friends to get the chance to vote.
Thanks guys. I'll keep you updated.
--A--
One of the magazine's photo editors chooses twelve photographs every day for display on the website. At the end of the month two of the featured photographs will be selected for publication in the magazine.
Which is a long way of saying this: I'm currently competing with 300 other photographers to have my photograph published in NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE.
Wickity What? Yeah.
To view and vote for my picture, do this. Follow this link to the national geographic magazine website.
http://ngm.nationalgeograp
On the left hand side of the screen is a link to the "your shot" feature. Click on it to view the daily dozen. My photograph is in the May 7th grouping. It is a black and white photograph of fallen leaves, a spider web, and dewdrops.
Elsewhere on the site is a featured called "the voting machine" There you can vote for my photograph. I'm not sure if the voting affects if I am chosen for publication or not, but it can't hurt! Please only vote once, and you don't have to give me a ten, give me whatever you feel like I deserve in comparison to the other pictures. (There are some truly amazing photographs in there!) I'm not trying to rig this in any way, I just want all my friends to get the chance to vote.
Thanks guys. I'll keep you updated.
--A--
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Fun Ways to Play With Your Food in Public
At Chik-Fil-A, the worker bees have to say "my pleasure" any time you say thank you. Take advantage of this by saying "thank you" at least twelve times in every sentence, always pausing significantly and raising one eyebrow as you wait for the inevitable response.
Another option is to say "thank you" once at the end of the transaction. When the worker bee says "my pleasure", remove a french fry from the box and reach across the counter with it, brushing them lightly across the lips with the fry. Eat the fry, then stare deep into the workers eyes. Pause, and then, in a low, rough voice, say "No. No.....it was mine."
When eating out with friends or co-workers, refuse to order, saying that you don't eat anything that was ever alive. When everyone else's food arives, bring out a zip lock bag of beef jerky and begin eating it. When your friends and co-workers question you, explain that the meat came from a clown, and you don't really consider such things to be "alive".
Order spaghetti at every opportunity. Suck the sauce off of each spaghetti noodle one by one, loudly. Place the clean noodles on the side of your plate and leave them there. At the end of the meal, offer them to a friend, or ask the waiter for a to go box.
Scrape the head off of beer and put it on your plate. Suck it up through a straw. Order another beer.
Pick out a random woman and "food flirt" with her using non-sexy food items like scalding hot coffee and fried macaroni and cheese.
Mix everything on your plate into one big pile, and then try to separate it again.
On a first date, excuse yourself to the restroom. After washing your hands, make sure they are totally dry. Return to the table and immediately grab your date's hands. Begin a conversation about how disgusting the bathroom was.
Ask for the wine list at Brusters. Become upset when they think you are joking.
Have a loud conversation about how you don't believe in tipping every time the waitress comes near you.
Dress in tight fitting, all black clothes and stand next to the host or hostess at Ruby Tuesdays. Try to intercept people walking in the door.
Another option is to say "thank you" once at the end of the transaction. When the worker bee says "my pleasure", remove a french fry from the box and reach across the counter with it, brushing them lightly across the lips with the fry. Eat the fry, then stare deep into the workers eyes. Pause, and then, in a low, rough voice, say "No. No.....it was mine."
When eating out with friends or co-workers, refuse to order, saying that you don't eat anything that was ever alive. When everyone else's food arives, bring out a zip lock bag of beef jerky and begin eating it. When your friends and co-workers question you, explain that the meat came from a clown, and you don't really consider such things to be "alive".
Order spaghetti at every opportunity. Suck the sauce off of each spaghetti noodle one by one, loudly. Place the clean noodles on the side of your plate and leave them there. At the end of the meal, offer them to a friend, or ask the waiter for a to go box.
Scrape the head off of beer and put it on your plate. Suck it up through a straw. Order another beer.
Pick out a random woman and "food flirt" with her using non-sexy food items like scalding hot coffee and fried macaroni and cheese.
Mix everything on your plate into one big pile, and then try to separate it again.
On a first date, excuse yourself to the restroom. After washing your hands, make sure they are totally dry. Return to the table and immediately grab your date's hands. Begin a conversation about how disgusting the bathroom was.
Ask for the wine list at Brusters. Become upset when they think you are joking.
Have a loud conversation about how you don't believe in tipping every time the waitress comes near you.
Dress in tight fitting, all black clothes and stand next to the host or hostess at Ruby Tuesdays. Try to intercept people walking in the door.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
If I were a song AND a commercial...
Sometimes I get a little down. Feel a little low. And then I just think about how awesome just about EVERYTHING is.
If I were a song, AND a commercial....
...this is what I would be.
Check it out.
If I were a song, AND a commercial....
...this is what I would be.
Check it out.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Vegans and Dinosaur Products
This is actually true. I removed and sold a kidney to the gas station attendant so I could fill up my tank of gas. It's okay, you can live with only one kidney. I don't know what I'm going to to tomorrow though...
But thinking about gasoline so much got me wondering...why are Vegans allowed to use gasoline?
...follow me here.
Gasoline is made from crude oil.
Crude oil is, among other things, basically the decomposed juice from billions of dead plants and *GASP* animals.
Vegans don't consume anything made from animals.
Vegans drive cars.
I don't know, you tell me.
I think if we could convince the Vegans to stop using gasoline (and they should, to really be Vegans!) then there would be a little more gasoline left for the rest of us. And the more we put off finding alternative energy sources, the better.
After all, there are baby seals to consider. (See Previous Post)
--A--
Friday, April 25, 2008
I Don't Feel Sorry About Killing Things That Wouldn't Feel Sorry About Killing Me
I feel like a person has two choices in this life: Be on the side of the baby seals, or be on the side of the Polar Bears.
Everybody says we are killing polar bears with global warming. Okay, maybe that is true and maybe it isn't, the science is actually not as conclusive as you would think. But that isn't the point. The point is that Polar Bears eat baby seals. You think the seals are happy about that? I bet seals are ALL FOR global warming. Seals, especially baby seals, probably hop up and down in fuzzy, incredibly adorable glee every time another SUV rolls off the assembly line.
I personally think that Polar Bears can fend for themselves. Anything that would GLADLY rip my face off and eat it doesn't need my help.
So, pick a side, ladies and gents. Who are you going to support this election season? The candidate who could chase you down at thirty miles an hour on icy terrain and rip your head off with one swipe of his massive paw...
Or are you going to support this little fella...
I think you'll make the right decision.
Everybody says we are killing polar bears with global warming. Okay, maybe that is true and maybe it isn't, the science is actually not as conclusive as you would think. But that isn't the point. The point is that Polar Bears eat baby seals. You think the seals are happy about that? I bet seals are ALL FOR global warming. Seals, especially baby seals, probably hop up and down in fuzzy, incredibly adorable glee every time another SUV rolls off the assembly line.
I personally think that Polar Bears can fend for themselves. Anything that would GLADLY rip my face off and eat it doesn't need my help.
So, pick a side, ladies and gents. Who are you going to support this election season? The candidate who could chase you down at thirty miles an hour on icy terrain and rip your head off with one swipe of his massive paw...
Or are you going to support this little fella...
I think you'll make the right decision.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Contest
My Dear, Lovely, Friendly Readers,
It's time for the first annual Sharpie Doodles "Things that Make Me Angry or That I Don't Get or That I Find Very Strange" submission contest!
Got something that makes you angry?
Got something that you don't get?
Got something that you find very strange?
Submit it to Sharpie Doodles and I will write a post and draw a comic about it! What fun for all!
But wait, you say, how is this a contest? Is there a winner? Is there a prize?
No.
But I'm calling it a contest anyway.
And.....
.....
.....
GO!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wiki Hows
Wiki Hows
How to Get Beautiful Women to be Attracted to You.
Step One: DO NOT work a sedentary job in Public Television, being exposed to no light other than neon bulbs and LCD screens.
Step Two: DO NOT eat fast food.
Step Three:DO NOT make the fact that you are really enjoying the John Adams biography the topic of every conversation.
Step Four: Enjoy a fulfilling and non stop dating life!
How to Write an Annoying Blog Post or Facebook Note
Step One: Be a teenager
Step Two: Feel ways about stuff.
Step Three: Express your emotions in hackneyed metaphors and badly structured whines about things which surely no one else has ever experienced, interspersed with mind blowing (to you) revelations as to the nature of life, the world, and human nature, such thoughts the likes of which you can't believe no one else has ever thought of.
Step Four: Enjoy comments from your equally brilliant friends about how smart you are.
How to Get People to State the Obvious
Step One: grow facial hair.
Step Two: Shave.
Step Three: Listen to people walk up to you and say "You Shaved!"
How to Make Yourself Feel Like a Schmuck
Step One: Think about how hard you believe your life is.
Step Two: Think about the fact that your life is easier than 99% of everyone else's life on the planet and that YOU didn't have to dig through a garbage heap in your bare feet for dinner last night.
Step Three: Think about the fact that you really don't let this simple knowledge make you grateful for every single day that you draw breath on this planet.
How to Destroy the Lighthearted Tone of a Blog Post
Step One: See above.
How to Get Andrew Marshall to Make Instant and Unfair Judgements About You at First Glance.
Step One: have blonde hair, wear really big sunglasses, and drive a late model car that your parents bought you. Complain about the car.
Step Two: wear shell necklaces, tight fitting polo shirts, leather flip flops, and have a shaggy haircut under a precariously perched, pre-frayed baseball hat with a store logo on it. Play Halo 3 badly.
Step Three: Quote Jon Stewart as your source for all political, social, and economic information.
Step Four: Enjoy as Andrew finds himself powerless to be a good Christian and attempts to ridicule you in conversation without you even knowing.
How to Break Writers Block and Make a Long Over Due Post
Step One: Become fascinated by Wiki How.
Step Two: Become inspired by Wiki How.
Step Three: Rip Off Wiki How.
How to Get Beautiful Women to be Attracted to You.
Step One: DO NOT work a sedentary job in Public Television, being exposed to no light other than neon bulbs and LCD screens.
Step Two: DO NOT eat fast food.
Step Three:DO NOT make the fact that you are really enjoying the John Adams biography the topic of every conversation.
Step Four: Enjoy a fulfilling and non stop dating life!
How to Write an Annoying Blog Post or Facebook Note
Step One: Be a teenager
Step Two: Feel ways about stuff.
Step Three: Express your emotions in hackneyed metaphors and badly structured whines about things which surely no one else has ever experienced, interspersed with mind blowing (to you) revelations as to the nature of life, the world, and human nature, such thoughts the likes of which you can't believe no one else has ever thought of.
Step Four: Enjoy comments from your equally brilliant friends about how smart you are.
How to Get People to State the Obvious
Step One: grow facial hair.
Step Two: Shave.
Step Three: Listen to people walk up to you and say "You Shaved!"
How to Make Yourself Feel Like a Schmuck
Step One: Think about how hard you believe your life is.
Step Two: Think about the fact that your life is easier than 99% of everyone else's life on the planet and that YOU didn't have to dig through a garbage heap in your bare feet for dinner last night.
Step Three: Think about the fact that you really don't let this simple knowledge make you grateful for every single day that you draw breath on this planet.
How to Destroy the Lighthearted Tone of a Blog Post
Step One: See above.
How to Get Andrew Marshall to Make Instant and Unfair Judgements About You at First Glance.
Step One: have blonde hair, wear really big sunglasses, and drive a late model car that your parents bought you. Complain about the car.
Step Two: wear shell necklaces, tight fitting polo shirts, leather flip flops, and have a shaggy haircut under a precariously perched, pre-frayed baseball hat with a store logo on it. Play Halo 3 badly.
Step Three: Quote Jon Stewart as your source for all political, social, and economic information.
Step Four: Enjoy as Andrew finds himself powerless to be a good Christian and attempts to ridicule you in conversation without you even knowing.
How to Break Writers Block and Make a Long Over Due Post
Step One: Become fascinated by Wiki How.
Step Two: Become inspired by Wiki How.
Step Three: Rip Off Wiki How.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)