Interesting Fact: The sushi guy at publix knows my face and tells me I have a cool hat every time I see him. When I don't wear my hat, he asks me why I'm not wearing it.
Conclusion: This probably means I've been eating to much sushi lately. Also, that sushi guy is cool!
Interesting Fact: Black people and Asian people compliment my hat at least once a week. White people don't seem to care one way or the other.
Conclusion: Black people and Asian people are much cooler than white people. Myself excluded, of course.
Interesting Fact: Kelley Davenport is the only white person to ever directly compliment my hat.
Conclusion: Kelley Davenport is actually a black man or an Asian man.
Interesting Fact: My white family does not like my hat very much
Conclusion: I'm adopted.
Interesting Fact: I've now had that hat longer than I've ever had any pair of shoes, rented apartment or house, car, or girlfriend.
Conclusion: It's a good hat.
Take it where you can find it, that's my motto. A good hat will get you a long way in life. Keep the sun out of your eyes, keep the rain off your head, and get you compliments from people on the street in Atlanta.
"Cool hat, my brutha!"
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
How to Be Smooth
Young men. Attend my lessons.
1) Kiss'n in the Rain
Every woman secretly desires to be kissed totally and completely and randomly in the middle of a rain storm. True Fact. Unfortunately, this is a very hard situation to set up. Solution? Grocery store produce sections. I think you'll find they have extremely reliable rainstorms complete with thunder. So the next time you and your lady are walking through the grocery store, pull aside a friendly worker and get him to tell you when the next rainstorm is. Maneuver your woman down the produce section, and at the first peal of thunder, grab her face and stick it under the mist. Then, reward her with your sweet lov'n kisses. It can't fail!
2) Cheese is Good
I think we can all agree that the single most important thing you could ever do to impress a woman is to have a good Halloween costume. Now some guys (your standard college Bro) are going to go as vampires, boxers, or just drunken idiots (does this count as a costume? One wonders) Fellas! This is not how to win the eye of the ladies! You want something that women find irresistible. That's why this Halloween, ditch the tired old costumes and go as Cheesecake Man! Failing that, try dressing as a Really Good Deal on Shoes that I Can Wear Dressing Up or Dressing Down and Girl of Course You Can Borrow Them Sometime! It can't fail!
3) SHOUT IT OUT
NOTHING ATTRACTS WOMEN LIKE CONFIDENCE! NOTHING SAYS CONFIDENCE LIKE NEEDLESS SHOUTING! SHOUT IN ALL OCCASIONS AND YOU CAN'T GO WRONG! FUNERALS, HOSPITALS, LIBRARIES, OR WHEN MEETING HER FOLKS!
Of course, there are times to be subtle. Try whispering in intimate settings like boxing matches, rock concerts, and nascar events.
4) Nothing Says Hottie Like Somebody Likely to Crash His Car!
Women are attracted to guys who are dangerous and reckless. (Why? I have no clue. Sharpie Doodles sound off, why is this so? Go!) Anyway, chances are if you are reading this you are not, in fact, reckless and dangerous. No sweat! Clumsiness and laziness can, with a little hard work and some luck, easily be mistaken for recklessness and dangerousness. Helpful Hint: Get a motorcycle. Don't worry about learning how to drive it...what you are interested in is crashing it! Make sure to lay it down on the way to your wanna be lady's house one evening and then reap the rewards!
5) Nice Guys Finish First...In Their Dreams!
Every now and then there is a guy who actually sees women as more than "hot", a guy who goes out of his way to see women for who they really are, who is attracted to them for their intelligence, wit, and charm. A guy who was raised to treat women with respect, open doors for them, and so on.
DO NOT BE THIS GUY.
This guy is not the guy to be. This guy gets ignored.
Instead, treat women as objects*! Chat them up uncomfortably in bars and clubs. Date them for a few weeks and then push them to cross physical lines! Cheat on them! Be jealous! Be controlling! Then, break up with them.
Sure, they will go crying to their girlfriends and regret the day they ever met you. But will they REALLY regret it? Not really, because next time they will date somebody just like you! Huzzah!
With these five simple steps, you too can be as smooth as...something...really smooth.
--A--
FOOTNOTES-*Somebody out there is bound to not really get this. Satire, folks, satire! Guys...don't treat women like objects. Women...don't complain about getting treated like objects and then go around hiding your intelligence behind booze.
P.S. I'm back, by the way. Sorry for the long absence. It's been a not so great couple of weeks. So it goes.
1) Kiss'n in the Rain
Every woman secretly desires to be kissed totally and completely and randomly in the middle of a rain storm. True Fact. Unfortunately, this is a very hard situation to set up. Solution? Grocery store produce sections. I think you'll find they have extremely reliable rainstorms complete with thunder. So the next time you and your lady are walking through the grocery store, pull aside a friendly worker and get him to tell you when the next rainstorm is. Maneuver your woman down the produce section, and at the first peal of thunder, grab her face and stick it under the mist. Then, reward her with your sweet lov'n kisses. It can't fail!
2) Cheese is Good
I think we can all agree that the single most important thing you could ever do to impress a woman is to have a good Halloween costume. Now some guys (your standard college Bro) are going to go as vampires, boxers, or just drunken idiots (does this count as a costume? One wonders) Fellas! This is not how to win the eye of the ladies! You want something that women find irresistible. That's why this Halloween, ditch the tired old costumes and go as Cheesecake Man! Failing that, try dressing as a Really Good Deal on Shoes that I Can Wear Dressing Up or Dressing Down and Girl of Course You Can Borrow Them Sometime! It can't fail!
3) SHOUT IT OUT
NOTHING ATTRACTS WOMEN LIKE CONFIDENCE! NOTHING SAYS CONFIDENCE LIKE NEEDLESS SHOUTING! SHOUT IN ALL OCCASIONS AND YOU CAN'T GO WRONG! FUNERALS, HOSPITALS, LIBRARIES, OR WHEN MEETING HER FOLKS!
Of course, there are times to be subtle. Try whispering in intimate settings like boxing matches, rock concerts, and nascar events.
4) Nothing Says Hottie Like Somebody Likely to Crash His Car!
Women are attracted to guys who are dangerous and reckless. (Why? I have no clue. Sharpie Doodles sound off, why is this so? Go!) Anyway, chances are if you are reading this you are not, in fact, reckless and dangerous. No sweat! Clumsiness and laziness can, with a little hard work and some luck, easily be mistaken for recklessness and dangerousness. Helpful Hint: Get a motorcycle. Don't worry about learning how to drive it...what you are interested in is crashing it! Make sure to lay it down on the way to your wanna be lady's house one evening and then reap the rewards!
5) Nice Guys Finish First...In Their Dreams!
Every now and then there is a guy who actually sees women as more than "hot", a guy who goes out of his way to see women for who they really are, who is attracted to them for their intelligence, wit, and charm. A guy who was raised to treat women with respect, open doors for them, and so on.
DO NOT BE THIS GUY.
This guy is not the guy to be. This guy gets ignored.
Instead, treat women as objects*! Chat them up uncomfortably in bars and clubs. Date them for a few weeks and then push them to cross physical lines! Cheat on them! Be jealous! Be controlling! Then, break up with them.
Sure, they will go crying to their girlfriends and regret the day they ever met you. But will they REALLY regret it? Not really, because next time they will date somebody just like you! Huzzah!
With these five simple steps, you too can be as smooth as...something...really smooth.
--A--
FOOTNOTES-*Somebody out there is bound to not really get this. Satire, folks, satire! Guys...don't treat women like objects. Women...don't complain about getting treated like objects and then go around hiding your intelligence behind booze.
P.S. I'm back, by the way. Sorry for the long absence. It's been a not so great couple of weeks. So it goes.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Cookouts
Sometimes it makes me sick that it was only after my family moved all the way across the continent that I realized how important it is to put them in front of everything but God. Oh how I rue all those misspent hours of the last four years...precious time home from school spent blowing off my family for things that never had a prayer of lasting. Learn the lessons well, children.
Spending holidays with friends and the four or five families that have "adopted" me is great, but sometimes it only makes me more homesick, if you can use that word to describe a place that you've only been to twice.
I'm stuck in that bizarre twenty something land where your house is just a place you go to sleep and (occasionally) eat. Home is different from house.
I suppose home is where your family is.
I guess that's why it's always around holidays that I start looking out to the horizon and daydreaming about saving up some money and just...taking a walk up to Maine.
Long weekends give me itchy feet.
But I've rolled my dice here in Newnan, happily and without regret. Holiday blues will pass away, my life has a purpose and I'm more blessed than most people in the sense that, for now at least, I know what that purpose is.
In the meantime, I have been blessed with more fantastic friends than any one (twentysomething) man deserves.
All that had nothing to do with Memorial day, but I found myself with a few moments and thought I would ruminate for a bit.
So anyway, happy memorial day folks. I've just returned from a day of grilling and eating and laughing, and now I'm off to spend an evening of the same.
--A--
Spending holidays with friends and the four or five families that have "adopted" me is great, but sometimes it only makes me more homesick, if you can use that word to describe a place that you've only been to twice.
I'm stuck in that bizarre twenty something land where your house is just a place you go to sleep and (occasionally) eat. Home is different from house.
I suppose home is where your family is.
I guess that's why it's always around holidays that I start looking out to the horizon and daydreaming about saving up some money and just...taking a walk up to Maine.
Long weekends give me itchy feet.
But I've rolled my dice here in Newnan, happily and without regret. Holiday blues will pass away, my life has a purpose and I'm more blessed than most people in the sense that, for now at least, I know what that purpose is.
In the meantime, I have been blessed with more fantastic friends than any one (twentysomething) man deserves.
All that had nothing to do with Memorial day, but I found myself with a few moments and thought I would ruminate for a bit.
So anyway, happy memorial day folks. I've just returned from a day of grilling and eating and laughing, and now I'm off to spend an evening of the same.
--A--
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Like, Totally, LOL
Like so yeah theres a new whats taht called again oh yeah lol a book theres a new book out called the dumbest gnearation.
Like its ab out how the digital culture has stinted my gnerations vocbulary and overall ability to function and a whole lot of other things like isnt that crazy lol rotfl jk jk hah hah
it talks a lot about how my geneartion communicates (or doesn't! lol) and how we dont even really know how to use words to get emotions across anymore isnt that dumb :-)
anyway here is the link i havent whats that word oh yeah read it yet but i plan on it as soon as it comes into that big place with all the books oh yeah library lol lol jk
im not an idiot just dumb enough not to realize im dumb lol
Link: http://www.amazon.com/Dumbest-Generation-Stupefies-Americans-Jeopardizes/dp/1585426393
Like its ab out how the digital culture has stinted my gnerations vocbulary and overall ability to function and a whole lot of other things like isnt that crazy lol rotfl jk jk hah hah
it talks a lot about how my geneartion communicates (or doesn't! lol) and how we dont even really know how to use words to get emotions across anymore isnt that dumb :-)
anyway here is the link i havent whats that word oh yeah read it yet but i plan on it as soon as it comes into that big place with all the books oh yeah library lol lol jk
im not an idiot just dumb enough not to realize im dumb lol
Link: http://www.amazon.com/Dumbest-Generation-Stupefies-Americans-Jeopardizes/dp/1585426393
A Letter to Samsung
Dear Samsung,
As a customer of Verizon, I have used your phones for several years now.
My first Samsung phone was a simple affair, light grey with a black and white screen. It was about the size of a small avacado. I dropped it into a puddle of water during a thunderstorm. I only noticed it had vanished a few hours later, and by the time I located it large vehicles had obviously run over it. It had, of course, also been marinating in a street puddle for three hours.
It was dead.
My second phone was slightly more advanced, with a flip up screen and, lo and behold, color! That phone served me well for several years until I dropped it into a bowl of boiling hot ramen noodles while helping my best friend through a difficult time in his life. He was in the middle of saying "I'm really glad you are here for me right no--" and that's when it slipped out of my hands and right into the Original Oriental flavor.
Possibly I could have saved it had I taken prompt action, but instead of immediatly removing the phone from the boiling liquid, I threw my hands up into the air and screamed, "Ahhhhh Tim! I dropped you in the Ramen!"
That phone was also dead.
After the Ramen incident I walked into Verizon and said "Give me the cheapest phone you have." They obliged and the model I left with is the very same phone that I left on the hood of my car this evening as I pulled out of the QuickTrip parking lot and onto a major highway.
A few hours later I began to look for my phone and could not find it. I went through a process no doubt familiar to many of your customers...using a friend's phone to call it, searching my house, my car, my driveway. Finally I retraced my steps, first to Eckards (where I had stopped to buy a razor and shaving cream) and then to QuickTrip, where I spied my phone laying in the intersection.
Oddly enough, this phone was not dead.
And this is the purpose of this letter, Samsung.
At first, things didn't look good. As I dodged traffic and approached the abandoned cellular, I noticed that there were several loose bits of plastic surrounding it, as well as some larger things that we'll just call "chunks" for the sake of easy identification.
In fact the phone looked as it had endured not only a fall from my Jeep's hood at fifteen miles an hour, but several close encounters with SUV's and perhaps at least one jacked up F-350. And possibly a dinosaur.
I draw this conclusion because that is precisely what I witnessed about ten seconds before I was able to snatch my phone out of the road. It was run over. In front of my very eyes. (By an SUV, not a dinosaur)
But, Samsung, you have made my day. The cheapest phone in the Verizon store survived it's ordeal and aside from looking as if a gorilla chewed on it for a few days, it actually works fine.
My theory is that it works fine precisely BECAUSE it was the cheapest phone in the Verizon store. My phone doesn't have a very good camera, an MP3 player, the ability to download things, I can't play games on it, etc. Less things to break means harder to break in my book.
And so it is that my ongoing poverty actually contributed to my happiness today. Had my crappy (I'm sure you will, in this instance, excuse the slight, Samsung) old phone been an I-phone like I wake up every day of my life and wish it was...then I would have had a pretty terrible end to a genuinely splendid day. And then I would have felt guilty about being upset about my cell phone of all things when I have so much to be happy about.
Thank you, Samsung, for keeping me grounded. Sure, I-phones will get the babes*. But can they survive being run over by every person who leaves quicktrip between 8:30 and 10:15 in Newnan on a Saturday night? I think not.
Your Loyal Customer,
Andrew Steven Marshall
Dabbler, Dilettante, Hobbiest, and User of Repetitious Words
FOOTNOTE: *The Editors would like to point out that there has never been a recorded instance of an I-phone helping anyone "get the babes." Nor has there ever been a recorded instance of wolves killing and eating a human being, but then again who would be left to record it, right? The views expressed in this blog are not the views of Apple, I-Phone, Google, Blogger, Samsung, Verizon, Viacom, Time-Warner, Universal Pictures, Five Guys Burgers, John McCain, Barack Obama, The Clintons, Douglas Adams, or Jean Valjean.
Thank you.
As a customer of Verizon, I have used your phones for several years now.
My first Samsung phone was a simple affair, light grey with a black and white screen. It was about the size of a small avacado. I dropped it into a puddle of water during a thunderstorm. I only noticed it had vanished a few hours later, and by the time I located it large vehicles had obviously run over it. It had, of course, also been marinating in a street puddle for three hours.
It was dead.
My second phone was slightly more advanced, with a flip up screen and, lo and behold, color! That phone served me well for several years until I dropped it into a bowl of boiling hot ramen noodles while helping my best friend through a difficult time in his life. He was in the middle of saying "I'm really glad you are here for me right no--" and that's when it slipped out of my hands and right into the Original Oriental flavor.
Possibly I could have saved it had I taken prompt action, but instead of immediatly removing the phone from the boiling liquid, I threw my hands up into the air and screamed, "Ahhhhh Tim! I dropped you in the Ramen!"
That phone was also dead.
After the Ramen incident I walked into Verizon and said "Give me the cheapest phone you have." They obliged and the model I left with is the very same phone that I left on the hood of my car this evening as I pulled out of the QuickTrip parking lot and onto a major highway.
A few hours later I began to look for my phone and could not find it. I went through a process no doubt familiar to many of your customers...using a friend's phone to call it, searching my house, my car, my driveway. Finally I retraced my steps, first to Eckards (where I had stopped to buy a razor and shaving cream) and then to QuickTrip, where I spied my phone laying in the intersection.
Oddly enough, this phone was not dead.
And this is the purpose of this letter, Samsung.
At first, things didn't look good. As I dodged traffic and approached the abandoned cellular, I noticed that there were several loose bits of plastic surrounding it, as well as some larger things that we'll just call "chunks" for the sake of easy identification.
In fact the phone looked as it had endured not only a fall from my Jeep's hood at fifteen miles an hour, but several close encounters with SUV's and perhaps at least one jacked up F-350. And possibly a dinosaur.
I draw this conclusion because that is precisely what I witnessed about ten seconds before I was able to snatch my phone out of the road. It was run over. In front of my very eyes. (By an SUV, not a dinosaur)
But, Samsung, you have made my day. The cheapest phone in the Verizon store survived it's ordeal and aside from looking as if a gorilla chewed on it for a few days, it actually works fine.
My theory is that it works fine precisely BECAUSE it was the cheapest phone in the Verizon store. My phone doesn't have a very good camera, an MP3 player, the ability to download things, I can't play games on it, etc. Less things to break means harder to break in my book.
And so it is that my ongoing poverty actually contributed to my happiness today. Had my crappy (I'm sure you will, in this instance, excuse the slight, Samsung) old phone been an I-phone like I wake up every day of my life and wish it was...then I would have had a pretty terrible end to a genuinely splendid day. And then I would have felt guilty about being upset about my cell phone of all things when I have so much to be happy about.
Thank you, Samsung, for keeping me grounded. Sure, I-phones will get the babes*. But can they survive being run over by every person who leaves quicktrip between 8:30 and 10:15 in Newnan on a Saturday night? I think not.
Your Loyal Customer,
Andrew Steven Marshall
Dabbler, Dilettante, Hobbiest, and User of Repetitious Words
FOOTNOTE: *The Editors would like to point out that there has never been a recorded instance of an I-phone helping anyone "get the babes." Nor has there ever been a recorded instance of wolves killing and eating a human being, but then again who would be left to record it, right? The views expressed in this blog are not the views of Apple, I-Phone, Google, Blogger, Samsung, Verizon, Viacom, Time-Warner, Universal Pictures, Five Guys Burgers, John McCain, Barack Obama, The Clintons, Douglas Adams, or Jean Valjean.
Thank you.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
It Ain't the Years, Honey. It's the Mileage.
The time is 12:19 A.M. In exactly twenty four hours, the trailers will be ending, and the opening credits of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will begin.
That is all.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Housekeeping
Some Housekeeping:
Thanks to everybody who sent me an e-mail or responded to the sound off post. There are at least twenty of you out there...so cool beans! Sharpie Doodles shall continue. Thanks for reading guys.
Congrats to my good friend Nick Ramey...now the official Web content editor thingy mcgummy something or the other for 11 alive news! Good job Nick, you deserved a break, my friend.
I've got a lot of other friends going through some hard times right now. Keep'n you all in my prayers guys. You know who you are.
This summer is shaping up to be quite interesting. I'm hoping to improve ten fold upon last summer. Last summer had it's moments, yes, I had some good times. High lights include finding Community Christian Church (changed my life), getting this laptop (which has turned out to be the most massively useful and versatile tool I've ever used, good graduation gift Mom and Dad!), living with the Coffman's, and starting in heavily on photography for the first time.
Low lights include the Jeep breaking down six times, living off a box of goldfish crackers and mooched dinners for two weeks, and coping with a serious dose of post college "what the crap am I doing with my life" depression.
What does this summer hold? Plenty of good times, to be sure. Maybe some great times. Undoubtedly some bad times, but nothing I can't handle. I'll probably stick my foot in my mouth on at least a dozen occasions. See some good movies. Hang out with old friends, make some new ones. Hear some good music, take some good pictures. Build a kayak, maybe, or a canoe. Mountain biking. Camping. Working. Sleeping. Making extensive use of the brand new library that just got built right down the street from me. Cookouts. Fires. Slip N Slides. Family. Savannah. Delightfully Awkward situations, conversations, and occasions.
It's gonna be good folks.
Stick around. Life's absurdities are never ending. How can someone ever run out of things to write about?
Thanks to everybody who sent me an e-mail or responded to the sound off post. There are at least twenty of you out there...so cool beans! Sharpie Doodles shall continue. Thanks for reading guys.
Congrats to my good friend Nick Ramey...now the official Web content editor thingy mcgummy something or the other for 11 alive news! Good job Nick, you deserved a break, my friend.
I've got a lot of other friends going through some hard times right now. Keep'n you all in my prayers guys. You know who you are.
This summer is shaping up to be quite interesting. I'm hoping to improve ten fold upon last summer. Last summer had it's moments, yes, I had some good times. High lights include finding Community Christian Church (changed my life), getting this laptop (which has turned out to be the most massively useful and versatile tool I've ever used, good graduation gift Mom and Dad!), living with the Coffman's, and starting in heavily on photography for the first time.
Low lights include the Jeep breaking down six times, living off a box of goldfish crackers and mooched dinners for two weeks, and coping with a serious dose of post college "what the crap am I doing with my life" depression.
What does this summer hold? Plenty of good times, to be sure. Maybe some great times. Undoubtedly some bad times, but nothing I can't handle. I'll probably stick my foot in my mouth on at least a dozen occasions. See some good movies. Hang out with old friends, make some new ones. Hear some good music, take some good pictures. Build a kayak, maybe, or a canoe. Mountain biking. Camping. Working. Sleeping. Making extensive use of the brand new library that just got built right down the street from me. Cookouts. Fires. Slip N Slides. Family. Savannah. Delightfully Awkward situations, conversations, and occasions.
It's gonna be good folks.
Stick around. Life's absurdities are never ending. How can someone ever run out of things to write about?
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